


the blood on my hands scares me to death

by MageOfCole



Series: Children of Hope and Glory [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Female Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt CC-2224 | Cody, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mando'a, Mara Jade is Cody's daughter, Mara Jade is Obi-Wan's daughter, Memories, Mentioned 212th Attack Battalion, Mentioned 501st Legion, Mentions of CC-1119 | Appo, Mentions of CT-7567 | Rex, Mentions of Sheev Palpatine | Darth Sidious, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Near Death Experiences, POV Character of Color, Past Mind Control, Post-Order 66, Post-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Post-Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Post-War, Pre-Star Wars: A New Hope, Recovered Memories, Scottish Gaelic, Tatooine (Star Wars), Unplanned Pregnancy, Utapau (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22470682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MageOfCole/pseuds/MageOfCole
Summary: Cody comes back to himself in the rolling sand dunes of Tatooine. He wakes up, dazed, bloody, and alone with only a burning camp for company; he rambles madly at the sky - begging his riduur to return to him, apologizing for the horrors that haunt him, and he howls his anguish for the sands to swallow.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & CT-7567 | Rex, CC-2224 | Cody & Mara Jade, CC-2224 | Cody & Obi-Wan Kenobi, CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Children of Hope and Glory [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616737
Comments: 20
Kudos: 531
Collections: TexWash's Must Reads and Rereads





	the blood on my hands scares me to death

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hope](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6912490) by [fabulousreaper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fabulousreaper/pseuds/fabulousreaper). 
  * Inspired by [diogenes (what makes a man?)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21957355) by [someawkwardprose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/someawkwardprose/pseuds/someawkwardprose). 
  * Inspired by [will you hold me tight and not let go?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21954583) by [thedisasternerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedisasternerd/pseuds/thedisasternerd). 



> Title is inspired by I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young

_Trooper CC-2224 had been assigned to Patrol 863; it’s not originally supposed to be his assignment, but Trooper CC-1119 had been found in his bunk with a blaster shot through his head, which had led to CC-2224’s rapid reassignment - a part of CC-2224 screams at the loss of a fellow Clone, but they were made to be replaceable. They’re investigating intel of a rebel sympathizer hiding on the Outer Rim Planet, when an exploding grenade throws CC-2224 out of the poorly erected camp outside of Mos Eisley and into unconsciousness._

Cody comes back to himself in the rolling sand dunes of Tatooine. He wakes up, dazed, bloody, and alone with only a burning camp for company; for a moment, he wonders how he made it from the rocky jungle planet of Utapau to the sea of golden sand, before it all comes rushing back to him. He’s bleeding out under the twin suns of Tatooine, abandoned by the patrol to die, and he can’t really bring himself to care.

He deserves it.

 _He should have listened to Rex_ ; about Fives and Kix, about Tup, and the kriffing _chip_. But Cody had been arrogant - foolish in his belief that their chip was there to limit mental defects, that the removal of it had been what had driven Fives to lose his grip on reality. He had tried to help his blond brother deal with his grief by sending him away from the fighting, limiting his involvement in the bloodshed.

But he didn’t listen - he had ignored the warning signs.

And his _riduur_ paid the price.

Cody stares at the light of the twin suns, allowing them to burn his eyes so he has an excuse to let his tears fall freely. He doesn’t deserve to cry, not after what he did, what he had _ordered_ , what he had allowed to happen. If he couldn’t cry when staring into his _cyare_ ’s eyes as she plummeted to her death after he had ordered her shot down, then he shouldn’t let himself to cry now.

( _His Jedi is beautiful._

 _She lays beneath him, flame coloured hair out of it’s usual controlled bun and haloing her pleasantly flushed face, pale skin scarred by battles, and marked by his own bites and fingers, and blue-green-gray eyes heavy with desire. They’re both bare save for the sheen of sweat that glistens across their skin - as different as night and day; Cody is all earthen tones, black hair, bronzed skin against his_ jetii _, touched by stars as she is._

_They shouldn’t be doing this; it’s against everything they both stand for, her Code and his regulations, but surrounded by death, and pain, and suffering, he can’t bring himself to care._

_Why should their happiness be faulted, if any day could be their last._

_“_ Kote _-” His_ tranyc _, his beautiful star-burned_ jetii _,_ _moans, her silver tongue lost hours before, and Cody shivers against her as her fingers cradle his face and his Mando’a name leaves her lips in his language. “_ Ner’Kote _,_ cyare _.” He loves the way her refined Coruscanti accent rolls through Mando’a words._

 _“_ Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum _, Ben.” **I love you** , He whispers like a prayer, pressing himself closer to claim her lips with his own. _ **_Let me have this moment_ ** _, he begs silently,_ **_Let us have this. The Republic can have us later, let her be mine now._ ** _He’s a Clone, everything he has belongs to the Republic, but_ this _\- what he and his_ jetii _share, blanketed by secrecy because of their treasonous actions, is purely his and hers. It could mean his death if they’re discovered, it would mean the loss of everything his_ cyare _holds dear._

_“I love you, Cody.” She murmurs, hands running through his regulation-cut hair and tracing the twisting scar that had almost taken his eye - and presses their foreheads together in a Keldabe kiss._

_“_ Ner’jetii _.” He replies, “I was made for you.”_

 _“And I, you,_ mo ghaol. _” His_ cyare _croons in her native language, before switching back to Basic. “I am yours, and you are mine.”_

 _“Marry me.”_ )

He continues to fall in and out of consciousness, rambling madly at the sky as he begs for his _riduur_ to return to him, apologizing to the horrors that haunt him, and he howls his anguish for the sands to swallow. He begs forgiveness from the _vod’e_ he could have saved if he had just listened to Rex’s warnings, from the Younglings that had been slaughtered in their crèches, from all the Jedi that the galaxy had lost because Cody was a stubborn fool.

But he never says _her_ name.

He never lets the syllables slip past his fever-loosened lips because he _doesn’t deserve to say it_.

Not after he killed her.

He’s going to die in the sand sea of Tatooine, just like she died in the green water of Utapau. He’ll see his brothers again, all the brothers that had continued marching far away, and he’ll apologize because they had all loved their General, and it was his order to **“Blast her!”** that had seen her plummeting to her death. He won’t see his _riduur_ , he doesn’t deserve to see her again, he doesn’t deserve to run his bloodstained hands through her soft hair or cradle her sweet face lined, prematurely from stress but still as beautiful as the first time he had laid eyes on her. He won’t kiss her forehead or her lips, because she is beyond his reach.

So Cody waits for death to reach him.

( _“So, when’s the wedding?”_

_Cody startles, knee hitting his desk as he fumbles to catch the datapad that had slipped from suddenly lax fingers, and looks up to see Rex grinning down at him like the smug bastard Cody knows that the blond clone is, having spent too much time with General Skywalker and Commander Tano. He glares, but his younger brother only smirked wider. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The Commander manages to get out through clenched teeth, with no small amount of panic._

_“Please,” Rex scoffs, “I’ve seen the way you two look at each other - there’s going to be a wedding.”_

_“I should have let you die on Geonosis.”_

_“If I remember,_ I _was the one saving_ your _, apparently pretty enough for a_ General _, ass_ _,_ dinii _.”_

 _“_ You’re _the lunatic,_ vod’ika _.” Cody retorts, “Having to follow General Skywalker around. At least_ my _General has tactics.”_

_“Plans never survive contact with the enemy.” Rex waves off, “But you’re trying to distract me.”_

_“Is it working?” The older_ vod’e _grumbles, and Rex snorts._

 _“_ Nayc _.”_ )

“-kriffing- what in the name of-” A rough Tatooine accent is what greets Cody the next time he resurfaces, the world gray around the edges and the sky darkening.

He’s not sure how he’s still alive.

A humanoid shape is suddenly leaning over him, wearing a thick brown cloak that reminds Cody painfully of his _jetii_ , face hidden by a scarf and goggles, “A Stormtrooper?” The voice is distinctly feminine, what Cody can make out through the sound of his heart pounding painfully in his ears and his own ragged breaths, almost familiar, but the only person Cody has ever known with that exact Outer Rim accent was General Skywalker, and the man is surely dead. “-still alive?” Gloved hands reach towards him, and Cody prays that this scavenger is going to kill him. That he’ll finally be allowed to die.

But they don't, and he doesn't.

Instead, the hideous helmet worn by Stormtroopers is gently eased from his head, pulling at layers of dried blood that had knotted in his short hair. Cody nearly loses consciousness, but the near animalistic, guttural noise of pain and anguish the scavenger makes draws him back.

“ _Cody_?” Somehow, his _riduur_ is calling him from beyond the grave, her voice as sweet as he remembers it, but breathless and horrified, and Cody wonders if it was the last thing she said before she had hit the water.

“-stay awake!”

He blinks groggily, gaze drifting away from the scavenger and towards the setting suns of Tatooine as the scavenger calls for something over their shoulder.

“-the sled!”

But Cody is swallowed by the darkness again, with the ghostly feel of fingers cradling his face, and the whisper of “ _Ner’Kote_ ” calling him forward.

( _“Have you ever considered what you’ll do after the war?” They’re laying, tangled together, among her sheets, her soft hair pillowed against his shoulder as her gentle hand, callused by years of lightsaber training, trace a new scar across his chest. His own hands gently trail the scars left over from her ordeal on Zyggeria, barely able to fight down the residue horror that he had felt those four days that his_ cyare _and_ vod’ika _had been held captive by slavers and beaten mercilessly._

 _His hand pauses, and he swallows, “No.” His reply is quiet, because he hasn’t given it any thought. He had never even_ considered _the possibility of surviving as long as he_ has _, and now every day was spent trying to see as many_ vod’e _to the next as possible._

 _She hums, brushing her nose along his jaw. “I’m going to advise Anakin to leave the Order, to be with_ _Padmé. After_ everything _, he deserves to have his happiness.” She admits. “With Ahsoka gone - there’s nothing holding him back now.”_

 _“General Skywalker still has_ you _.”_

_“He hasn’t forgiven me for the Council’s decision.” She sighs, “This war has been the closest the two of us have ever been, but he’s turning away from me again. I tried to be what I thought he needed in a Master when he was made my Padawan - but I made so many mistakes, mistakes that Anakin is paying for. I can do one thing right for him at least, and let him be with his wife.”_

_“_ Riduur _.” Cody gently cradles her head, pressing a kiss to her crown as they fall into silence once more. “I think… If we make it to the end of this kriffing war…” He starts slowly, letting himself consider something he had never let himself think about before. “I’d like to buy a house. Somewhere like Takodana - lots of trees, enough water to swim in. Maybe get a couple chickens. Settle down and make a life that doesn’t revolve around battle.”_

_“That sounds lovely.” She sighs, curling closer to him, and Cody tightens his arms around her._

_“Come with me?” He asks, and his_ riduur _startles, rolling so she can prop herself up on her elbows and stare at him with wide oceanic eyes. “Come with me, we can be husband and wife without worry, without fear. We can say another_ riduurok _, Obi-Wan, and invite the others this time. I love you,_ ner’tranyc _.”_

 _“The life of a Jedi is the only one I’ve ever known.” She whispers painfully, “I fought so_ hard _to make it to where I am now. It was the only thing I ever wanted.” His heart clenches painfully at her tone, hand flexing against her hip as he tries to get a hold of his emotions. “But…” Her voice suddenly turns wistful, her beautiful eyes softening as they meet his own. “Now I have something else to fight for, don’t I?”_

 _“_ Ben _…”_

 _She smiles at him, so loving that it almost brings tears to his eyes, and she leans down to press her forehead against his. “I want_ you _now,_ ner’Kote _. More than I ever wanted to be a Jedi, I think.”_ )

Cody doesn’t know how long he drifts in and out of consciousness, fighting against apparitions and fever, but the pain fades, taken by gentle hands that cradle his face and cleans away blood and bile, and coaxes cool water past his parched lips. A soft voice whispers to him as he sobs to the ghost of his _riduur_ , soothing him, easing his horrors. He doesn’t know how long he begs his _cyare_ to let him die, but a firm voice always answers him.

“ _I’m not letting you be taken from us again,_ ner’Kote _. Not like this._ ”

Finally, his mind clears as his fever lessens, and Cody wakes coherent.

Dressed in an itchy tunic that remind him just enough of traditional Jedi robes to make his heart hurt, he lays on a firm mattress and, almost subconsciously, his tired eyes trace the hard packed flooring, the woven mat, and the orange walls. Wherever he is, the residents have left recently, probably to keep a safe distance if he were to awaken - not that he blames them, they found him in Stormtrooper armour. Taking in his surroundings, categorizing exits and entrances; the bed he lays on is a semicircle built into a curved wall, a dining table with two chairs directly across from him, only blocked by a smaller table placed within arms reach, a steaming mug placed on it - it smells soothingly of chai, something that brings back warm memories of mornings with _her_ , watching her stir her tea thoughtfully as they go over datapads together.

It takes time, but Cody manages to prop himself up against the hard packed walls of his rescuer’s home, and lift the battered mug of tea with shaking hands, and take a slow, reverent sip.

It’s made exactly like _she_ used to prefer.

He closes his eyes, fighting back tears, and he has to put the cup down once more, as to not drop it as his shaking intensifies. It crunches and, surprised, Cody opens his stinging eyes once more to find that he had placed it down on top of _something_.

His breath catches.

The _chip_.

The accursed thing is a round disk, cracked down the center and stubborn flakes of rusty blood cling to it. His fingers fly to the side of his head, prodding against a bacta patch that would have cost a small fortune on a planet like Tatooine, and a relieved, half-hysterical laugh rattles his chest.

It’s _gone_.

He almost misses the creak of a door opening, but his training doesn’t allow for it, and the clone looks up to look into the face of the one who removed the nightmare that had turned him into nothing more than a clanker with flesh, from his head.

Oceanic eyes stare back at him.

( _Grievous is dead -_ finally _dead, taken out by a well-placed blaster shot from his stubborn_ jetii _who had once insisted that she’d never have to learn to wield, and it means they’ve almost made it to the end of this kriffing war._

 _He ignores the knowing looks from his_ vod’e _as he moves towards his General, a discarded lightsaber held in his grip and bucket under his arm; she’s seated on her new reptilian friend as she beams at him, oceanic eyes manic with glee, and Cody wants to kiss her. He shouldn’t, not yet, because they’re General and Commander right now, so instead he hands her weapon with a raised eyebrow, his own smile pulling on his scar. There’s still work to do, but they’ll enjoy the feeling of this victory while they can._

_Once they were done, they could finally be free to be together without risking loss._

_His priority command channel beeps, and Cody turns away from his General to answer the comm._

_“Commander Cody,” A sinister voice meets him, and he freezes - a part of him is screaming at him, to_ hang up _, hang up_ right now _._ **_Danger_** _. “_ Execute Order 66 _.”_

 _And Cody knows no more._ )

( **_Good soldiers follow orders._ **

_CC-2224 turns to his men, away from his [_ **_traitor_ ** _] and gives the order._

 _“Blast her.”_ )

Gentle, worn hands cradle his face, callused thumbs brushing away the burning tears that trail down his cheek as he crumbles, sobbing howls of grief leaving him as the memory of her fall burns him. The screams he hadn’t been able to let out as CC-2224 had watched dispassionately as his _riduur_ tumbled out of his reach, arms pinwheeling against the pull of gravity and hair streaming around her like a burning banner - the way her eyes had met his right before she hit the water, his HUD perfectly capturing the moment her lips moved to say his name before the impact that should have killed her.

“I killed you! I’m s-sorry - sorry - I’m so sorry - Obi - _Ben_ \- _cyare!_ ”

Strong arms bundle his struggling body towards her, and Cody finds his cheek pressed against warm chest, stilling, but still sobbing, as her hands run through his gray hair, gently guiding his ear against her breast, where the steady beat of her heart makes tight muscles loosen. His hand grasp desperately, curling into the rough robe she wore and gripping tight, as if, were he to let go, she’d disappear again.

“It’s alright, _ner’Kote_. I’m still here.” Obi-Wan soothes, “You’re here with me. You’re safe. I’m sorry, _mo ghaol_. I’m here.”

“You’re _alive_.” He whispers brokenly, like a prayer. “I didn’t kill you.”

“It takes more than a little water to kill me, dearest Cody.” Her voice is rougher than he remembers, her Coruscanti accent battling against the Tatooine accent she probably used to hide herself from the Empire, but still beautiful, still _his_ Obi-Wan. “What _are_ the odds that I find you here of all places.” She sounds almost amused by the thought, and Cody releases a manic snort as he curls closer to her, as close as his injuries allow.

She’s _alive_.

“ _Màthair_?” A high voice, a _young_ voice, trills from beyond the bubble that is Cody-and-Obi-Wan, and Cody jolts, lifting his head from his _riduur_ ’s chest, meeting the vivid eyes that peer at him curiously from the entrance to the small home; it’s a small Human youngling, with red-gold hair, bronze skin, and large golden-flecked green eyes. Dressed in a cream farmer’s tunic and little brown leggings, she has the wild curls he’s seen on _vod’e_ who had let their hair grow beyond regulation length, though coloured like flame, contrasting with skin darkened from a life in the sun that freckled in a way that reminded him of his _riduur_ when she hadn’t been able to cover herself up enough on sunny campaigns.

Startled eyes move from the small girl-child towards the woman that he loved, and she smiled at him, blue-green gaze never leaving his own as she calls to the kid. “Mara, come here.” Small feet patter against hardened dirt floors, and soon Cody finds the little girl joining him on the bed to stare up at him with wide, unfathomable eyes, the worried expression on tiny face an echo of the look on _her mother_ ’s.

“Hullo.” She greets, “Why are you sad? Do your booboos still hurt? You look like my _ba'vodu_ , but a little different, his hair is short, and looks like sand - you’ve got that big ouchy on your face! Does it hurt? It’s pretty wizard!”

“Mara, _ik'aad_ , what have I taught you?”

She pouts, but straightens to smile up at him, “Hello, I’m Mara Jade Kenobi! Who are you?” Cody just stares, and the girl - Mara Jade _Kenobi_ \- falters, looking confused and just a little bit hurt at the lack of answering introductions, enough so that Cody’s stunned train of thought manages to reboot, and he licks his lips, unable to draw his eyes away from her face. He’s cataloguing all the familiar features he sees, filing them away.

“Cody.” He manages to say through numb lips, and Mara’s mouth opens in surprise as she stares up at him with big eyes. “How-how _old_ are you, Mar’ _ika_?” Her hand shoots up, showing him all five fingers, and Cody’s heart soars, but also plummets when the truth sinks in.

 _Five years_.

It had been _five years_ since the Empire rose, five years since he had last seen his _riduur_ ; they had made love after Dooku’s death, celebrating being one more step towards the end of the war, before being sent out to track to Grievous, the last general of the Separatist Army. Five years since he had ordered the 212th to attack their beloved General, five years since no one argued against the order, not a single one of the men so loyal to Obi-Wan Kenobi even _questioned_ the order.

Five years of thinking his _cyare_ was dead.

He had left his beloved to die, left her alone for five year to raise their daughter on an Outer Rim Planet, in hiding from the Empire that would see the both of them dead. That would hunt them down with the barest _mention_ of the name Obi-Wan Kenobi.

“ _Are_ -are you my _buir_?” Big golden-green eyes stare up at him in awe as his _ad’ika_ shuffles closer to him, pressing herself into his side and curling small hands into his borrowed tunic.

“Yes, _ad’ika_.” He chokes, hesitating, but releasing one hand from his _cyare_ ’s robe to gently caress their daughter’s soft face in wonder. She leans into the touch, beaming at him, tiny, delicate hands reaching up for his lined face, dashing away his tears like her mother would, and Cody leans forward to softly bump their foreheads together. “ _Su cuy'gar, ad’ika._ ”

“ _Su cuy'gar, buir._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> So I used Scottish Gaelic for the native language of Stewjon (thought it was funny at the time 'cause Obi-Wan's a redhead)  
> mo ghaol "my love"  
> Màthair "mother"
> 
> Mando'a (from http://mandoa.org/ and https://lingojam.com/Mandoa-EnglishTranslator)  
> vod'e "sibling/brother/sister"  
> riduur "husband/wife"  
> cyare "beloved/loved"  
> jetii "Jedi"  
> kote "Glory" (name headcannon)  
> tranyc "sunny (lit. star-burned)"  
> ner' "my/mine"  
> Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum "I love you"  
> dinii "lunatic"  
> nayc "no"  
> 'ika (diminutive suffix)  
> riduurok "love bond/marriage vows"  
> ba'vodu "uncle"  
> ik'aad "baby"  
> buir "parent/mother/father"  
> ad’ika "little one/son/daughter"  
> Su cuy'gar "Hello (lit. You're still alive)"


End file.
